Monday, September 03, 2012

What-If Condition

Generally, a "what-if" conditional statement is frequently used by Computer Science students and even Seasoned Developers for their respective programs. In this case, however it isn't the central point - rather just explaining things of the past that can provide contributory information concerning things about the future.

Here, I would like to share a point in my life where I was a seasoned IT guy in a manufacturing firm. I was so good at work, but I felt something in my life's lacking very much: its love. While I have most of the things on my disposal at work, I felt very much void that work itself doesn't produce any significant accomplishment in my life. Well, I tried to be as close with a colleague of mine who works in another department. We've even been teased about "this" and "that". Finally, I have to say times and things weren't meant for us, that I decided to venture out of Luzon in search of love. Love is truly costly and if not cared for that much, in the end it'll die...

And so did I went and search for the better half of my heart. I went even farther north, but God was determined that I am to be driven south - or should I say: centrally south. Then I became the SysAd for the same denomination-based hospital as I am, although its just for awhile. Being a vegan, I have to adjust with fun loving people who loves to eat fish very much that my two year struggle of being a pure vegan suddenly came to an end. Initially, I just ate fish, then beef, then chicken. No pork please.

Since the local dialect there isn't Tagalog, I have to really adjust. Sometimes, I became frustrated since I don't understand what people around me were talking about. Even today, I just know a few usable conversational phrases and sentences. I wish I could learn more, but my stint there came to an end when I told myself life's better off going back in Manila. Surely the place is great, the job is good, but even within - there are discontented hearts that I felt.

In that very same workplace, I came to know a wonderful girl. She formerly worked in the laboratory of that hospital. Now, she's in the United States. But while both she and I were working there, I shared much of my interest with her. I courted her in fact. I even went down further south, in the mountainous region of her home: to meet her parents, to know the whole family, to get them to know me. They have a very nice place. We even visited the college my ancestors from the islands studies. Yes, my kind studied in the college near their place and with she and her whole family even became more dear to my soul.

I remembered the time her dad had a mild stroke that I whisked away slowly from work with the intent to visit him (and her, of course). My surprise visit is truly remarkable. Not only my presence boost hope for the family, her dad even smiled and said "Si Gil, si Gil" even while he had this tubes in his body. I prayed for him as my own dad. If I could have two dads: I would like to have my own dad and her dad. Her dad's the intellectual type while mine's the analytical one.

Surely, I would if I could that both our families could intertwine as long as I could, if possible forever. Then the conditional statement: what-if came in our midst. As no relationship exist without a struggle, ours began to take roll. Amid the sweetness of "missing you, Gil", the long distance relationship suddenly became a burden for her to bear. I truly missed her, but what can I do. My soul became foreign to hers as she responds now "foreignly" to me. I rationale behind deadly sparks of separation is the "what-if" of that relationship that "what-if" were not meant for one another. Then came another clouding revelation of us always fighting. Yes, I confess fighting, but not to harm. Even when we were still together at work, I told her the things I am fighting for: I am fighting for "fairness", but in the end of the tunnel I don't like to think about life being "unfair". I have a remarkable gift of preventing viruses and restoring computer files, but in the end; what happened opened up a very big void in my heart and a question if "I could prevent such viruses" in our relationship or even restore the "files" of our being in a relationship. Had I been a jealous type of person, this could be long been over but I am not though it pricks my heart very much that two similar situations already passed in my life. Why now? Why the third time too? My always me? What's wrong with me? Too many questions, if asked from a human perspective would make generate alot of answers unresolved.

All I did was to respond to a call to work in our denomination. But why it did turn this way? Would God lead me someone, only to gain more heartache and pain? I hope not. But I have loved the girl that I have asked from God and she responded a warm yes to me, and yet after dreams realized, after the distance: the relationship suddenly came to a stop. The psychologist that I've talked with a few days ago told me this: it is the intention of God that she broke up with you so both you and her can complete your goals in life, and as separate individuals God will bring back someday. Certainly, you may want it, but not her-however, God's desires in our lives cannot be broken. All we have to do is to acknowledge this truth and "follow". You will both meet and desire one another as God wanted you so. That message is God-inspired and I acknowledge that He talked to me through the psychologist, because as a child I have always talked to God and have understood that aside from the Bible, he talks back through Nature and even with people.